Not sure what is appropriate when it comes to the very first blog post. To be fair I have never had a blog before so you, my readers, will have to watch me awkwardly navigate this new territory of my life. Hopefully, as time goes on, I will get better at it and mostly I hope that the mission for starting this blog is that some of you will feel some kinship with me and the stories I tell. Usually, ideas strike me at the most random of times, today it was at 4 am. I woke up with this idea for a blog and while I contemplated getting up and writing it all down then so my brain would not forget it, I eventually fell back asleep and am now revisiting the idea now that it is almost noon. The thoughts are fuzzy, but they are still there, so bear with me! One thing I have struggled with in my adult life as someone who was raised by an all-consuming mother, is my sense of self. This may be something many of you notice if you were raised by narcissistic or emotionally immature parents. The reason I have found for this is, as children, we were required to deal with the emotional needs of our parents and our own wants and needs were placed on the back burner as we navigated something that was well beyond our years to deal with. This has, at least in me, created someone who has no idea what I want in life or how to make any choices since they were always made for me.
Now please note, as with everything I say, that I am no expert. The information I provide is from my own experience and what I think works but not meant to be taken as professional advice. That being said, I wanted to share with you some of the things that have helped me with this problem over the last year. My journey is new as I have only decided to cut off contact with my mother about 10 months ago (we will talk about going no contact with parents in another blog soon), but I believe I have learned some things over the last few months that I can share. The first thing I have learned in trying to find my sense of self is to try everything! If an idea occurs to you and you feel there is something you might like to try, do not be afraid to try it. I have tried many hobbies over the last few months, some of them stuck and some of them did not and that is okay. This, writing, is one of the hobbies I have discovered that was deep within me as a passion I really enjoy. Thus, the desire to start a blog and use my passion for writing to hopefully help people. I have also tried knitting, drawing, painting, coloring, as well as went back to school to get my Masters in something completely different than the subject I studied before. The world is your oyster so try it all! As you try things you will discover things that you never knew you liked and some things you feel you did like at some point but somewhere along the way someone stole the passion for that thing away from you as it was not something they deemed worthy of your time and attention. Emotionally immature or narcissistic parents can sometimes groom us into the things they want us to do, regardless of how we feel about it, which leads me to my next point…Cleanse out the things you thought you enjoyed. There is no reason to continue to pursue a hobby or feed a passion that is not truly your passion to begin with. Sift through your life for things that are supposed to bring you joy and ask yourself if they really do. Some of these things can be harder than others because we often build our lives around some of these passions and deconstructing them can be extremely difficult, so be kind to yourself during this process. For me, this was the concept of being a musician. I have played guitar since I was 6 and flute since I was 11 and went to a special preforming arts school when I was in high school. Being a musician was a part of my very being, it was who I was, until it wasn’t. Over the last few years, I have searched deep within myself and found that any time I finally pushed myself to bring out my guitar and sing and play it felt like a chore that I did not want to be doing. Finally I realized that I am an adult and do not have to participate in any extracurricular activities that feel like a chore, because who needs that?! Now don’t get me wrong, I still love music! I love to turn on the radio and dance and sing until my kids are begging me to stop, but I don’t think my passion lies in being the one creating the music. Music speaks to my soul and moves me in a special way, but playing my musical instruments does not. So, as you are going throughout your days and find yourself participating in an activity that you thought was where your passion flowed, stop and take a moment to ask yourself if it really is the place your passion lies. If it is, then great, keep on doing it! If it is not, then I urge you to no longer do the things that make others happy, do what makes you happy. It may leave a void in your life that is difficult to deal with, but I promise you if you are kind to yourself and keep trying new things, you will eventually fill yourself with something that does bring you joy.
The final challenge I want to pose to those of you who feel you have a lost sense of self is to speak up for yourself and your opinions and feelings. Again, often having an upbringing with a difficult parent leads us to not prioritize our own needs or even realize we want something specific. There are times when my family is discussing what to do for the day or what we want for dinner, and I simply choose to say I have no opinion. Eventually, after some time passes, I realize that I do have an opinion, often when it is too late to chime in. Sometimes, because of my lack of self-awareness, I am just not sure what my opinion is so rather than make things complicated and ask my family to wait for me, I just say I do not have an opinion. I am learning it is okay to state my opinion or ask my family for some grace while I puzzle through some of my thoughts. This is a good practice not only for me but for my children. Asking a 6- and 8-year-old to wait can be a challenging task. However, most of the time I find living in a house with all neurodiverse people that they enjoy the extra processing time as well!
So, there you have it friends, my 4 am thoughts. Hope you made it this far and I have not yet put you to sleep. Hopefully you have pulled something from this that can help you. If not, I hope that you will stick around anyway and maybe my next post will be more relevant to you. Until next time, be kind to yourself and go out there and practice some self-love! Blessings 😊
Thoughts from Rayne 