Thoughts from Rayne

This one is going to be harder for me to write. Not that I typically write things that have a comical flare and little to no depth, but this one hits differently. Recently I participated in a study through a church we were attending that explored W. Phillip Keller’s book A Shepherd’s Look at Psalm 23. If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it. Keller does a great job at relating what it is like to be a shepherd and how that relates to our ultimate shepherd, Jesus. While I already carried a bit of angst with me at the time relating to the modern corporation the church has become, this book solidified some of those things a bit more for me. Learning how carefully a shepherd takes care of all his sheep and how carefully Jesus does the same thing with us made me long for the institution of the church to embody Christ in this way more than before. So, what is a shepherd? What does he do? In the most basic sense of the word, he tends to his sheep. That seems pretty obvious, now, doesn’t it? But what does that actually mean and how does it relate to the church today? A shepherd knows his sheep, like really knows them. He knows everything about them, where they like to wander, what they like to eat, who they hang out with. He keeps them clean and free from pests which may taint their skin and wool. Seriously guys, just go read the book. And while all of this is being related to Jesus in Keller’s book, I can’t help but think this is really the way a pastor should be with his church. However, due to the mega church movement this seems to be the furthest thing from how a pastor is with his church and one of the reasons we no longer attend a church. While no church is perfect as I am sure some of you will want to point out to me, a pastor should be as close to perfect as you can find on this earth. You may not like me for saying that or agree with that but even the bible points out that those who chose to be teachers of the word will be held to a higher standard by God. (See James 3:1) In fact, this is so true that he actually urges individuals to not become teachers because they will be judged so harshly. In my book this means that if God is going to hold them to a higher standard, it is okay for me to do a little of the same. Is it so wrong for me to ask of my pastor that he knows me and cares for me as a shepherd should? The problem is, when you have hundreds upon hundreds of people in your flock, there is no way for you to know them all. While a shepherd in the real line of work may be able to manage quite a few sheep, while we are often compared to sheep, we are much more complex. I do not think it is possible for a pastor to oversee that many people in his flock. There is no way he can know them all and therefor shepherd them the way he should. I’ve met countless people who attend church and have for some time but feel they still do not know anyone and do not feel connected to their congregation. While some of this could be due in part to the individual not making the effort they need to, often it is just because there is a small group of individuals who started said church and have since formed a popular group and those who have not been around long enough fall away as outsiders. Pastors could spend months trying to connect with every person in their congregation only to find there is no way they ever possibly could. They could have sheep who are injured physically and emotionally, and they would never know because they have collected too many sheep and are no longer able to care for them properly. It seems to me that it has become a contest of which pastor can collect the most sheep. “Hey, look at my church and how big it is and how much we are thriving!” Meanwhile that pastor has sheep who are straying and hurting and falling off cliffs and no one even notices. That is not what a shepherd is. In my opinion, in order for a pastor to follow the example of the ultimate shepherd, churches should remain small. You should know your flock, really know them, and care for them. Recently I was being primed to be a vocalist on the worship team of the church we were attending. I went to practices and did all the things that lined me up to become part of the team. However, during the process I was not happy. I had a lot going on in my personal life and guess what, no one noticed. The main pastor of the church actually was one of the main worship leaders and when it came time for me to be placed on the schedule, I told him that although I felt physically prepared to be on the team, I did not feel mentally prepared as I was struggling with a lot of mental health problems, anxiety and depression to be specific. To my astonishment he simply replied, “I’m sorry to hear that” and went about his life. Never did he offer to help me in any way. Did I need counseling or help in some other way? Never did he ask what he could do to help. Now if this had been just another one of the congregants or even the worship leader, I may have let it slide by me, but this was the pastor, my pastor, my shepherd. He seemed to be more than okay with leaving me stuck in the think of the thorny busy I was in and move on to the next person in line then try to help me get unstuck. Now again, he is human, and Jesus is my shepherd and the one I can truly rely on. But shouldn’t our pastors be immolating Jesus more than anyone else on this earth? Shouldn’t they have more care and compassion for God’s people? Especially people who are a part of their body, a part of their flock, whom they have been entrusted with? Any pastor doing any less than that is not a true shepherd, at least not in this girl’s perspective.

Part of this amazing journey that I’ve been taking over the last year has been focusing more on not only my mental health, but my physical health as well. You would be surprised (or maybe you would not because you are much more ‘with it’ than I am) but when you are struggling day to day with your mental health, keeping up with your physical health is not something that is easy to do. Heck, keeping up with your physical health is not something that is ever easy to do! I have been overweight most of my life. Even when I was a child, I would use food as a coping mechanism to get through all the crazy thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. While I do not blame anyone for my obsession with donuts and pizza, I am doing my best to teach my kiddos while they are young to use other things to cope when life gets hard. When you have a child that has a propensity to use something destructive to overcome difficulties, you must pay special attention to their moments of overwhelm and steer them towards something better. My youngest is me but in a smaller package. He may look like his father but everything inside of him is me. The way he thinks about everything more than any six-year-old ever should, his propensity to become explosive when the world does not tick exactly the way he expected it to, and yes, his desire to go get himself a donut when life takes a negative turn for the worst. Admittedly, I have caught myself allowing him to do just that, because that is what I did as well. This day not what you expected son? Let us go fill ourselves with some good food and we will feel better. This has caused me to really examine these habits in myself. Trying to cope and fill the void with food. The fact of the matter is, you don’t feel much better at all eating your feelings. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes there is cause to celebrate and food is a great way to do that, or even on a rough day you just feel like treating yourself, that is okay too. I am speaking more directly here to those of us, like me and my son, who tend to turn to food all the time for everything. We have an addition to food; we eat on an emotional level all the time. It has taken me a long time to realize this, but I actually have had to reteach my brain and my body that food is fuel, and that is all. It frustrates me to no end that our world does not address this problem the way that it does with other addictions. We recognize when a friend is in trouble with alcohol, and we do everything we can to help them. We send them off to rehab and make sure that when we have a party there is no alcohol present. But if we have a friend who seems to eat more than they should and has become unhealthy, we still offer them a slice of cake at the family get together. Again, please don’t come at me and say that all bodies are beautiful, and that people should live their lives and be free to be who they want to be and not be judged. I don’t fully disagree with that. If you are truly healthy and living your best life, please do so in whatever way you want. I, however, was not living my best life at over 300 pounds. I, in fact, was miserable. I could not play with my kids or go for a hike with my family without having to catch my breath every 30 seconds. I didn’t fit on an airplane without an extra seatbelt extender. I could not go on rides at amusement parks or participate in other various activities that I wanted to. My weight did not feel like something that gave me freedom to be who I wanted to be, but rather a hindrance to living my life. So, if that feels like you this post is for you. Do not think for a second that if you decide to try to get your weight to a better place that you are denying yourself the satisfaction to be the happier, chubbier version of you. Because if you truly aren’t happy then that does not apply anyway, does it? Food is an addiction. Some people don’t want to say that or admit that, but I am here to tell you it is. It is a fight that I have fought my entire life. Only addressing my mental wellbeing and moving forward with healing has allowed me to examine the truth of my relationship with food and deal with it accordingly. When your mind is right, and you are in a place you feel equipped to do so, free yourself from the burden of the extra weight you carry. Challenge yourself to not eat your feelings but face them head on. It is painful and difficult but so rewarding! I am not at the end of my journey by any means, but I have managed to lose over 100lbs by being honest with myself and realizing I needed to see my addiction for what it was. Break yourself free by shedding the people and habits that no longer serve you in becoming the person you want to be!

Blessings friends,

Rayne

Not sure what is appropriate when it comes to the very first blog post. To be fair I have never had a blog before so you, my readers, will have to watch me awkwardly navigate this new territory of my life. Hopefully, as time goes on, I will get better at it and mostly I hope that the mission for starting this blog is that some of you will feel some kinship with me and the stories I tell. Usually, ideas strike me at the most random of times, today it was at 4 am. I woke up with this idea for a blog and while I contemplated getting up and writing it all down then so my brain would not forget it, I eventually fell back asleep and am now revisiting the idea now that it is almost noon. The thoughts are fuzzy, but they are still there, so bear with me! One thing I have struggled with in my adult life as someone who was raised by an all-consuming mother, is my sense of self. This may be something many of you notice if you were raised by narcissistic or emotionally immature parents. The reason I have found for this is, as children, we were required to deal with the emotional needs of our parents and our own wants and needs were placed on the back burner as we navigated something that was well beyond our years to deal with. This has, at least in me, created someone who has no idea what I want in life or how to make any choices since they were always made for me.

Now please note, as with everything I say, that I am no expert. The information I provide is from my own experience and what I think works but not meant to be taken as professional advice. That being said, I wanted to share with you some of the things that have helped me with this problem over the last year. My journey is new as I have only decided to cut off contact with my mother about 10 months ago (we will talk about going no contact with parents in another blog soon), but I believe I have learned some things over the last few months that I can share. The first thing I have learned in trying to find my sense of self is to try everything! If an idea occurs to you and you feel there is something you might like to try, do not be afraid to try it. I have tried many hobbies over the last few months, some of them stuck and some of them did not and that is okay. This, writing, is one of the hobbies I have discovered that was deep within me as a passion I really enjoy. Thus, the desire to start a blog and use my passion for writing to hopefully help people. I have also tried knitting, drawing, painting, coloring, as well as went back to school to get my Masters in something completely different than the subject I studied before. The world is your oyster so try it all! As you try things you will discover things that you never knew you liked and some things you feel you did like at some point but somewhere along the way someone stole the passion for that thing away from you as it was not something they deemed worthy of your time and attention. Emotionally immature or narcissistic parents can sometimes groom us into the things they want us to do, regardless of how we feel about it, which leads me to my next point…Cleanse out the things you thought you enjoyed. There is no reason to continue to pursue a hobby or feed a passion that is not truly your passion to begin with. Sift through your life for things that are supposed to bring you joy and ask yourself if they really do. Some of these things can be harder than others because we often build our lives around some of these passions and deconstructing them can be extremely difficult, so be kind to yourself during this process. For me, this was the concept of being a musician. I have played guitar since I was 6 and flute since I was 11 and went to a special preforming arts school when I was in high school. Being a musician was a part of my very being, it was who I was, until it wasn’t. Over the last few years, I have searched deep within myself and found that any time I finally pushed myself to bring out my guitar and sing and play it felt like a chore that I did not want to be doing. Finally I realized that I am an adult and do not have to participate in any extracurricular activities that feel like a chore, because who needs that?! Now don’t get me wrong, I still love music! I love to turn on the radio and dance and sing until my kids are begging me to stop, but I don’t think my passion lies in being the one creating the music. Music speaks to my soul and moves me in a special way, but playing my musical instruments does not. So, as you are going throughout your days and find yourself participating in an activity that you thought was where your passion flowed, stop and take a moment to ask yourself if it really is the place your passion lies. If it is, then great, keep on doing it! If it is not, then I urge you to no longer do the things that make others happy, do what makes you happy. It may leave a void in your life that is difficult to deal with, but I promise you if you are kind to yourself and keep trying new things, you will eventually fill yourself with something that does bring you joy.

The final challenge I want to pose to those of you who feel you have a lost sense of self is to speak up for yourself and your opinions and feelings. Again, often having an upbringing with a difficult parent leads us to not prioritize our own needs or even realize we want something specific. There are times when my family is discussing what to do for the day or what we want for dinner, and I simply choose to say I have no opinion. Eventually, after some time passes, I realize that I do have an opinion, often when it is too late to chime in. Sometimes, because of my lack of self-awareness, I am just not sure what my opinion is so rather than make things complicated and ask my family to wait for me, I just say I do not have an opinion. I am learning it is okay to state my opinion or ask my family for some grace while I puzzle through some of my thoughts. This is a good practice not only for me but for my children. Asking a 6- and 8-year-old to wait can be a challenging task. However, most of the time I find living in a house with all neurodiverse people that they enjoy the extra processing time as well!

So, there you have it friends, my 4 am thoughts. Hope you made it this far and I have not yet put you to sleep. Hopefully you have pulled something from this that can help you. If not, I hope that you will stick around anyway and maybe my next post will be more relevant to you. Until next time, be kind to yourself and go out there and practice some self-love! Blessings 😊

Hey all and welcome! Thought I would take a moment to introduce myself to let you know a little bit about what this blog might look like. While I do not have any specific thoughts or topics in mind, knowing a bit about me will help you to know if this blog will be relevant to you. So read on my friend and if you do not see anything you can relate to or that appeals to you then feel free to adventure forward to find someone in this universe who you feel you can connect with, I wish you well on your journey! However, if you are reading this ‘about me’ section and are thinking… “hey, I think she is writing about me!” then please stay and we can go through this crazy life together! So here it goes. I am currently, as I write this, a 35-year-old wife and mother. I say 35 because I have got only a few more months to say so. Probably by the time you read this I will be 36 but who is counting right? I have been married to my husband for over 15 years now and we have two beautiful boys. I live in a house of all neurodiverse brains. My husband and my two boys are on the Autism spectrum which leaves my world always an adventure. Many of my posts will probably be about how I navigate a neurodiverse relationship and manage two boys who made me realize exactly why they call it a spectrum! I am also a devout believer in the Lord as my Savior. I have been saved since I was a teenager, over 20 years now, and I cannot imagine my life without Him in it. I also have recently had some tough encounters with the church and will touch on some of that as well. Finally, I am a daughter of what I believe to be a narcissistic mother (she has not been diagnosed but this is what I believe) and I have been navigating that for almost a year now. Many of my posts will be around that subject as well. Finally, I am a mother of an angel boy in heaven. While the loss is almost 10 years old now, it still touches a part of my soul in a way that changes how I look at the world. Anyway, that is me in a very tiny nutshell but sort of gives you a general idea of what this is going to look like. So, if you feel kinship with anything I have said please feel free to stay, read some of my stories, and maybe you will not feel so alone in the world because at the end of the day I feel that is something we all need, to feel just a little less alone. Blessings friends! – Rayne